College football season starts (for real) tomorrow. Nothing says America like a sunny fall afternoon over a stadium filled with drunk college students and middle-aged folks blowing exorbitant amounts of cash to watch 18-22-year-old boys knock the piss out of each other to make millions of dollars for their schools and the fatcats at the NCAA, on the outside chance that someday they can continue beating the piss out of each other for a few millions dollars to keep for themselves. Or like hearing those middle-aged folks scream expletives at the players at the top of their lungs because they're not getting a good payoff for those cash payments they slipped under the table. Yep...violence, drunkenness, profanity, and cheating: it's the American way. Makes you wonder why we keep watching it...
Oh, who are we kidding. We love college football, in spite of (and sometimes because of) its faults. So in honor of the beginning of the season, here's an amusing list of things to look forward to this season...full of expletives, drunkenness, violence, and all that other good stuff.
8.18.2008
CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE: K-STATE FOOTBALL 2008
1. Several months prior to the season, your projected starting running back gets arrested. Do you...
A. Kick him off the team and switch a safety to running back? Go to paragraph 3.
B. Keep him on the team, because you need all the help you can get. Go to paragraph 2.
2. Oops. You must have confused K-State with KU. Go back and try again.
3. That crisis resolved, you learn that some of your numerous JuCo recruits will not qualify. Do you...
A. Have an assistant coach give the recuits answers to the qualifying exams. Go to paragraph 2.
B. Switch a safety to running back? Go to paragraph 4.
4. You win your first two non-con games. Your next game is at Louisville. Do you...
A. Focus preparation on Louisville? Go to paragraph 5.
B. Focus preparation on Texas Tech, your first conference game? Go to paragraph 5.
5. You lose at both Louisville and to Texas Tech. You win at Texas A&M and lose at Colorado. Your next two games are against OU at home and KU on the road. Do you focus preparation on...
A. OU? Go to paragraph 6.
B. KU? Go to paragraph 7.
6. Congrats! You beat OU, then lose at KU, and at Mizzou. You split Nebraska and Iowa State at home to finish the year 7-5. You get a 15-year contract extension before next season.
7. You lose to OU, KU, and Mizzou. You lose to Nebraska and Iowa State at home to finish the year 4-8. You get a 5-year contract extension before next season.
A. Kick him off the team and switch a safety to running back? Go to paragraph 3.
B. Keep him on the team, because you need all the help you can get. Go to paragraph 2.
2. Oops. You must have confused K-State with KU. Go back and try again.
3. That crisis resolved, you learn that some of your numerous JuCo recruits will not qualify. Do you...
A. Have an assistant coach give the recuits answers to the qualifying exams. Go to paragraph 2.
B. Switch a safety to running back? Go to paragraph 4.
4. You win your first two non-con games. Your next game is at Louisville. Do you...
A. Focus preparation on Louisville? Go to paragraph 5.
B. Focus preparation on Texas Tech, your first conference game? Go to paragraph 5.
5. You lose at both Louisville and to Texas Tech. You win at Texas A&M and lose at Colorado. Your next two games are against OU at home and KU on the road. Do you focus preparation on...
A. OU? Go to paragraph 6.
B. KU? Go to paragraph 7.
6. Congrats! You beat OU, then lose at KU, and at Mizzou. You split Nebraska and Iowa State at home to finish the year 7-5. You get a 15-year contract extension before next season.
7. You lose to OU, KU, and Mizzou. You lose to Nebraska and Iowa State at home to finish the year 4-8. You get a 5-year contract extension before next season.
8.11.2008
FUTURE HEADLINE: MANGINO TO IOWA; WON'T COACH KU AT HOLIDAY BOWL.
IOWA CITY, IA: Mark Mangino established a winning football program at the University of Kansas following years of futility for the program. Now, he'll attempt to move Iowa into the nation's elite football programs.
Following up a surprising 12-1 season with a solid 8-4 year, including signature wins over Big XII rivals Texas and Texas Tech, Mangino's Jayhawks answered the doubters who pointed to what was considered a significant upgrade over last year's schedule. Although the Jayhawks dropped a non-conference game at South Florida and conference games to Oklahoma, Missouri, and Nebraska, most would consider the Jayhawks' season a successful rebuttal to those who expected a major dropoff. It was enough to convince the University of Iowa to hire Mangino to attempt to rev up a program that has slipped into neutral under outgoing head coach Kirk Ferentz.
Mangino will not coach the Jayhawks in their Holiday Bowl game against Arizona State. Although some are surprised that Mangino has chosen to leave a program he raised from the ashes that Terry Allen left behind, whispers around Lawrence this year have indicated that Mangino was not entirely pleased with the level of support shown by the administration in his contract extension last spring, especially following his near-perfect season. Sources also cited Mangino's view that, despite the football team's recent success, it would never compete with Kansas' beloved basketball team for the hearts of KU fans. Iowa, a school with greater football tradition than KU, figures to provide Mangino with more exposure and, possibly, a better stepping stone to one of the country's premier jobs.
Following up a surprising 12-1 season with a solid 8-4 year, including signature wins over Big XII rivals Texas and Texas Tech, Mangino's Jayhawks answered the doubters who pointed to what was considered a significant upgrade over last year's schedule. Although the Jayhawks dropped a non-conference game at South Florida and conference games to Oklahoma, Missouri, and Nebraska, most would consider the Jayhawks' season a successful rebuttal to those who expected a major dropoff. It was enough to convince the University of Iowa to hire Mangino to attempt to rev up a program that has slipped into neutral under outgoing head coach Kirk Ferentz.
Mangino will not coach the Jayhawks in their Holiday Bowl game against Arizona State. Although some are surprised that Mangino has chosen to leave a program he raised from the ashes that Terry Allen left behind, whispers around Lawrence this year have indicated that Mangino was not entirely pleased with the level of support shown by the administration in his contract extension last spring, especially following his near-perfect season. Sources also cited Mangino's view that, despite the football team's recent success, it would never compete with Kansas' beloved basketball team for the hearts of KU fans. Iowa, a school with greater football tradition than KU, figures to provide Mangino with more exposure and, possibly, a better stepping stone to one of the country's premier jobs.
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